Can anyone explain Bowls to me?
Call me stupid but I really don’t get the point of Lawn Bowling. I’m not talking about technicalities but rather just baffled by the reason why it became a world sport. Pffft.
I know it’s not being played in my country [uh, as far as I know anyway] but apparently is big in most member nations of the Commonwealth. But still..! Oh, nevermind.
I did try to pick up some information and even laboured in watching a game just to understand it but I give up.
According to some, in order for a sport to be considered a sport, it should not be an “activity that winning or losing is based on the opinion of someone else”. So, this one doesn’t require a judge but I still can’t see the point why it is a sport!
Anyway, current medal tally for this sport is
- Australia - Gold | Silver
- Malaysia - Gold
- Northern Ireland - Silver
- England - Bronze
- New Zealand - Bronze
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1 opinion for Can anyone explain Bowls to me?
Alan Atkins
Jul 18, 2007 at 2:38 pm
LAWN BOWLING EXPLAINED.
By Alan C. Atkins
History. Lawn Bowling is the world’s oldest ball sport. The Egyptians claim to have invented it, but then, they claim to have invented everything. For proof of their claim they will point to a line of hieroglyphics proving Pharaoh won the national singles held at the Oasis Club in 2002 B.C. In reality it was the good old English as usual. Unfortunately, our lot in life is to invent international games and then let everyone but us become champions.
The game of lawn bowls began soon after William the Conqueror illegally seized England and pronounced himself king. This might not have happened if the English king at that time, Harold, hadn’t been such a snooty bastard that his nose was always up in the air. You may not have noticed, but all men with the name of Harold are snooty bastards. His eyes, of course, had to follow his nose, so were pointing up while arrows were falling down. He certainly got an eyeful, of arrow that is, and of course became an ex-Harold.
Once the French had a toe hold, as is normal with the French, they took the lot. They are credited with the building of many castles and churches, which is rubbish. They designed them, but it was the poor bloody English that sweated blood to build them.
Among other things the French brought to those shores was the stupid game of boules now called petanque.. The English treated this game with disdain. It was considered a game for French pansies. Little balls thrown just a few yards attempting to land close to an even smaller ball. So the English, in order to show that real men didn’t have small balls, made wooden balls five times the size. Unfortunately, they were too heavy to throw even a few yards, so they realized they would have to roll them instead. They wouldn’t roll over dirt, so they chose the local animal paddocks with the least amount of, well, animal expulsions.
Now the French were worried about getting invaded themselves. So they should have been because it takes a thief to know one. One of the laws they brought down was that every male over the age of fourteen had to spend Sunday mornings practicing archery. The trouble was, a lot of the English were pacifists. They lobbied long and hard for a bow ban. Many didn’t agree with them and put Probow stickers on their carts. The anti-bow group decided that playing bowls on a Sunday was better. With this, the local Lord was also in agreement because whenever he was a bit short of cash he could send his soldiers to the bowling field and arrest everyone there. They would be fined one shilling, which of course, went into his pocket.
The first official club for bowlers was formed in Southampton in 1299, and still exists today, using the same green. Some have said that the word England should be after Southampton. It might be confused, they say, with Southampton U.S.A. This is nonsense, of course, as in that part of the world in 1299 they were firmly committed to archery as well as tomahawks.
This club has a wonderful green, one that is the envy of many. The green-keeper is willing to share his secret with anybody who asks. “First level it. Then regularly put on loam and sand. Cut it and roll it for eight hundred years and you get a green like this,” he says.
Of course, the game grew in popularity. The balls were turned out of the hardest of timber and called woods. The target ball was smaller and painted white. They would roll the woods along the grass, called a lawn, as straight as the contours or cow pats would allow.
The game was taken up by royalty. Even Henry VIII played regularly on the lawns of Hampton Court. As history records though, it was his second favorite sport. Legend has it that it was he who contributed the last improvement to the sport, that of biased woods, that is woods that didn’t roll straight.
The story goes that Henry, or Harry to his wives, was playing a game at Hampton Court when one of his woods split into two. He was right royally pissed off as he had spent time polishing his own balls only that morning and as usual, was set to win the game. After all, who wants to beat a well-known headhunter? A man was sent back into the palace to bring him another one to replace it. One bright spark, fully knowing the temper of the old red-headed bastard, took a saw and cut the wooden ball that was atop the post of the banisters on the main stairs. When Harry saw it he was not pleased. The ball was no longer completely round, but had one flat bit. He had to have the flat bit on the side. He bowled towards the head, and to everybody’s surprise the ball curved away from the line and ended up a long way from where it was intended. No one dared laugh, even though it was funny. Then one well-know royal creeper shouted, “What a wonderful idea you have had, sire. A ball that curves. It will make the game far more interesting. Quick, let the carpenter take a slice off all of our balls.” He could have added under his breath, “before our beloved kings takes them both completely.”
Harry was well pleased. “I thought that would happen,” he lied, and knighted the creeper on the spot. From that day to this, all woods were made to curve.
During the time of Queen Elizabeth I, even her First Admiral, Francis Drake, enjoyed playing bowls. In fact he was in the middle of a game on Plymouth Hoe when the news came that the Spanish Armada had been sighted. “How many ships are there?” he asked. “Hunerts and hunerts, sire,” came the answer. They speak like this in Plymouth, even today. “Hunerts and hunerts.”
“Well,” said Drake. “If that is the case, then we are going to get our arse whipped. I have a guinea on this game and only need three to win, so there is no hurry.”
“Shall I prepare the ship for sailing, sire?” asked the messenger. “Yes, do that. Layout my red jacket,” he ordered. “Why the redun sire?” asked the messenger.
“That, my man, is in case I should be shot. My crew will not see the blood and therefore not panic,” answered Drake as he bent to roll his wood. He stopped and stood up again. “Also, lay out my brown pantaloons,” he said.
Drake went on to win the game and had a set of bowls named after him. Not many bowlers have been given this honor. Fortunately for old Drake, a bloody big storm went on to sink the armada and Drake was able to jack off for many more years.
Over the years, the French were vanquished many times by British kings. Every time the wine cellar got a bit low, they would go and conquer the wine-producing area of France and restock. Slowly, the British got stronger and started to create an empire. Running a colony is exhausting and so wherever they went, the English administrators would make the locals pay for being conquered by constructing lawn bowling greens in order that they could participate in this royal sport – the administrators that is – not the locals. In those days it was said that the sun never set on the British Empire. The colonized replied that this was because even God didn’t trust the British in the dark.
Then, as the empire declined and the British went home, those in the colonies were left to decide as to what to do with these patches of England in their country. Most decided that maybe they should use them for the purpose they were built. After all, the colonialists had also left their woods, as they would have been overweight if they had tried to take them home. They discovered it was pleasurable, a game requiring not too much effort, and so they took it up. Now of course, the pupils are better than the teachers, as usual.
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